The non-essential record player

A man, walking down a public street, is stopped by an obese policewoman who asks him,

“Where are you going, Sir?”

“I’m going to buy a record player.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but you can’t do that.”

“What do you mean, I can’t do that?”

“Sir, a record player is not an essential item.”

“How can you possibly know what is essential to me?”

“Sir, you are only permitted to go out to buy food or medicines.”

“Well, I don’t need any medicines because music is my medicine; therefore, it is essential for me.”

“Sir, music is non-essential.”

“Who decided that?”

“The government.”

“The government cannot possibly know what is or isn’t essential for any human being, can it?”

“Sir, you must return to your house now.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Sir, I will have to arrest you.”

“For wanting to buy a record player?”

“No Sir, for violating the quarantine order.”

“But you are violating the same quarantine order, are you not?”

“No Sir, I am not. I am an essential worker.”

“You don’t look very essential to me. What exactly is essential about you?”

“Sir, it is my job to enforce the law.”

“So, why don’t you go and arrest the bankers who destroyed our economy.”

“I’m not authorised to do that, Sir.”

“I see. You are authorised to arrest me for wanting to buy a product, but not a banker for fraud?”

“Sir, I must ask you to return to your home immediately.”

“But my record player is broken, and I therefore must buy a new one, as it is essential to my well-being.”

“Sir, the shop that sells record players is closed.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that in the first place.”

The man turns around and starts walking home, wondering if he should be grateful or regretful that he forgot to bring his baseball bat with him.

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